From the Journal of Bobby Drake
by Sue Penkivech
Summary: Because Uncanny 416 and pretty much every issue since left too much unsaid...COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

From the Journal of Bobby Drake, aka The Iceman

I'm not quite myself lately.

Well, if I'm going to be totally honest here, I guess I am myself, but I don't know who that is anymore.  Or rather, who that's going to be soon – 

Black Tom did something to me.  I don't know what – I'm guessing it's what they keep calling "secondary mutation".  Secondary - as if mutating once wasn't bad enough.  At least my "primary" mutation left me pretty much myself, most of the time.  This one – well, I'm not sure what the end result is going to be, but "ice sculpture" comes to mind.

You see, I'm not healing where I got injured in the battle with Black Tom.  Oh, the wound is gone, but it's been sealed up with ice.  I can't change it back to flesh and blood.  The question that comes to mind is, what's next?  I mean, a patch in my chest is bad enough, but a shirt covers it pretty well.  I'd be concerned about my love life, but let's face it, I don't really have one.  

I thought I was going to, yesterday.  This new girl at the Institute came on to me.  Man, was she hot.  Unfortunately, she also came complete with empathic powers (no wonder everything moved so fast) and a husband made of mud who was intent on killing me.  Now, I suppose if I was married to someone made out of mud, I'd be looking too.  But then, how is being made out of ice any better?  I guess I shouldn't talk.  I'm also guessing I can kiss my chances at "true love" goodbye.  No one wants to date a human popsicle.

If that's what's coming.  I don't know for sure, but I'm expecting the worst.  I haven't told anyone except Annie, the new nurse, and she promised not to say anything.  What's the point?  It's not like they'll be able to stop whatever's happening, anyway.

Kurt came to visit, before.  Wanted me to go with him to collect some of Stacy's stuff.  I'm afraid to leave the mansion at this point – what happens if I get into a fight and crack my head open?  Will it fill up with ice, too?  Seeing as that seems to happen with unfortunate regularity when the X-Men go on "normal" errands, I think I'll just stay put.  No sense advancing this any faster than necessary.

I blew up at him, though, which was totally uncalled for, and I'm sure I hurt his feelings saying stuff about freaks, and that the originals were the only real X-Men.  I don't really know why I said it; I guess I was just thinking about how, with all the new students and visitors, no one is going to need me around anymore.  Hell, when he came in I was trying to make ice figures move.  I figured I might as well practice; it may come in handy some day soon.  Unfortunately, all I can do so far is to simulate movement.  

Pretty soon I may be simulating life, too.


	2. Chapter 2

Ok, Cris-X, because you asked for it, and because the reviewers at X-Fan are getting me annoyed…one of the best played out side-plots in years is being completely ignored! Poor Bobby…

From the Journal of Bobby Drake, aka The Iceman

Things are going steadily downhill in my life.

What's new? you might ask. It's not as if your life has ever gone uphill. But that's not really true. Sure, there've been a lot of downturns, but mostly things had been, if not great, at least ok.

Granted, my powers have never been anything spectacular. I can't shoot blasts out of my eyes, fingers, or chest. I'm out of the loop on all the "in-jokes" the telepaths tell each other. No fur, even, and Hank claims girls really go for the whole "teddy bear" thing, so that's a shame. But hey, I've always been obliging when the mansion ran out of ice cubes, or someone wanted to go ice skating in mid-summer, so it was ok. Everyone liked Bobby Drake, unless I'd pulled a prank on them recently.

That's changing, and it's no one's fault but my own.

I can't hide behind the jokes any more – they're falling flat more often than not, and the temper I never knew I had keeps flaring up. Loudly. I blew up at Jean-Paul last week, when Warren and Paige were out fighting the werewolf guys. Threatened his life, in fact, if something bad happened to Warren. I don't know why – I just panicked. I mean, I can't do anything about what's happening to me, but the idea of something happening to one of my best friends…

Maybe that's the key. "Best friends" – I wonder if that's true. If it were, wouldn't he have noticed something was going on? I mean, I'm turning into an ice cube here, and no one has noticed! Hank probably would, at least I'd like to think he would, but I'm avoiding him. I guess I keep hoping that somehow he'll know something's wrong, and confront me about it like he's done so many times in the past. Much easier to admit there's something up when forced to than to bring it up myself. But he's busy with important things, like research and teaching. No time for his friends right now – catch you later.

But Warren – well, I guess he's too busy with Paige and his own new mutation, though he did ask if I was ok with the whole Lorna/Alex thing. I lied and said I was, but I'm not. 

It's not even that I really care for Lorna any more – I mean, that was years ago. But hey, Alex comes out of a coma and ten minutes later she's proposing marriage? It's the kind of thing that can only happen to a Summers, I guess. I can't even get a date. Throw in the way Annie's mooning over Alex too, Warren's new relationship with the cheerleader, the fact that Stacy's flirting with Kurt (he thinks no one has noticed, but he's wrong – why else would he be leaving the priesthood?) – well, my closest thing to a relationship since Opal has been that empath with the psychotic mudball husband. And things aren't likely to improve, given my current state.

And no one has noticed. All the damn snoopy telepaths around here, and no one has noticed.

Maybe turning into ice won't be all bad. I mean, people always say "cold as ice" when they're talking about someone with no feelings. I almost hope it's true – maybe it won't hurt as much when mine get stomped all over if I don't have any.


	3. Chapter 3

From the Journal of Bobby Drake, aka The Iceman

Lorna just tried to kill me.

Ok, I guess she didn't "just" try to kill me – it happened a couple of hours ago.  But she knocked everyone else out, too, so it's taken me a while to get back to my room and really think about it.

It happened at the wedding – no, not mine, I know it's been a while since I've written in here but it hasn't been THAT long.  Lorna and Alex's, or at least it was supposed to be.  I was there with Annie, the two "runners-up" putting forth some brave faces so everyone would think we were ok with the whole thing.  I think she was hoping it would make Alex jealous, and she was right, it worked and he called off the wedding.  Lucky her.  So she and Alex are off to Paris, and I'm here.  Alone, and nearly killed by my ex-girlfriend right after I told her I still loved her.  Not that I do, but I thought it might get her to stop attacking Annie.  Instead she laughed and tried to kill me.  I think that's got to be a new low for me.  Or maybe not; there was Marge who obliterated my existence on the timeline, after all.  She didn't do it intentionally, though, so I think Lorna still wins the award.

I wondered if I'd die, anyway?  Maybe I'd just turn to ice and break into little pieces.  It's hard to say.

Anyway, back to Annie.  I ran into her last night at the bar – she'd been invited to Lorna's bachelorette party, probably by Lorna who wanted to rub salt in the wound.  Decided last minute she wasn't going in, so I told her she could sit with me.  What was I doing there?  Trying to get drunk enough to have an excuse for not going to the bachelor's party.  For some reason I didn't feel like patting Alex on the back.  Go fig.

We had a nice chat, though – she called me a homophobe and a racist, and I dumped all my problems out on her.  Damn, it was a stupid thing to do, but I needed to talk to SOMEONE!  She told me Jean-Paul is gay, too.  Apparently I'm the only one around who didn't know this, and I feel like a real idiot, but I've been so wrapped up in this turning into an ice statue thing that I hadn't noticed.  The first thing that popped into my head is the crack I made to him a while back about people getting hot and bothered about my taking my shirt off.  It was just meant to be an excuse for getting Annie to examine me privately (that whole ice-in-the-chest thing, you know?), but I'm betting he thought I meant him, so I was ready to crawl under the table.  That's how the whole "homophobe" argument started off –I was embarrassed as hell, and Annie took it the wrong way.  

We got it straightened out, though, after I spilled my life story, and I got a kiss for my troubles, which was cool until I remembered she was mooning over Alex.  Anyway, we talked about that too, and that's when we decided to make our appearances at the wedding together.  Just as friends, but let people think whatever they wanted.  Figured we'd at least have some good laughs over it later, once the rumor mill started running.

Except now she's off in Paris, and I'm here, and no one's laughing.

Especially not me.

As a side note, Hank came over to examine me after Annie tried to remove my head.  Still didn't notice the ice.  


	4. Chapter 4

I don't own Bobby Drake.  I'm very tempted to kidnap him until this whole plot is resolved to my satisfaction, but for now I'll just borrow him and try to make sense of things.  Again.

The last line is borrowed straight from Uncanny X-Men #429.  I'm not entirely sure what Chuck Austen meant by it, but here's my guess.  

Thanks to everyone's who's been reading and reviewing!  For those of you who've asked, this story, such as it is, is being motivated by my frustration with the whole Uncanny sub-plot, so it'll probably keep going until I stop being frustrated.  Or until I stop getting feedback, whichever comes first ;-)

From the Journal of Bobby Drake, aka The Iceman

I've been found out.

I was hanging out in the freezer.  Ok, sounds like a strange place to kick back, but it's actually pretty comfortable, nice decor…who am I trying to fool here, anyway?  Myself?  My powers were going insane, and I figured it was the least likely place that anyone would notice any extra ice once I got things under control.  Unfortunately, the cook decided that it was also the best place to find frozen food, and wandered in.

I think I scared the shit out of her.  I suppose seeing me kind of hanging there in the middle of a block of ice would do that to someone who wasn't used to it.  Or even someone who was – it still scares me, after all.

So of course, she runs for Xavier while I defrost things enough to climb out of the freezer, and I'm hauled off to a lecture on how I should have told someone.  At least the Prof gave me a chance to put on a shirt before calling in my whole team.  WHY didn't I tell anyone?  

Instant answer, you know the routine: I didn't want anyone to know.  Partially true, I guess, it was kind of nice to pretend nothing was wrong for a little bit longer, but you'd think the Professor at least would have seen through it.  God knows I didn't say it with any conviction.

What I was dying to say, instead – Why didn't anyone notice?

I mean, damn, Warren starts bleeding on people and they heal, and people notice.  Hank turns into a kitty-cat, and people notice.  Emma Frost turns into diamonds, and people notice.  Well, hey, I noticed that one too – though she looked better in leather.  I turn to ice, and no one notices until they need hamburger.

For a minute I thought Alex was standing up for me, but I realized he was just defending Annie's not having told anyone.  Not quite the same thing, but a hell of a lot more believable, seeing as Alex and I have never exactly been best buds.  There's still that whole Lorna thing, after all.

And then what happened?  Did anyone ask if I'm ok with this?  No.  Did they rush me to the med lab so Hank could hook me up to gizmos and gadgets and say "Hmmm" a lot?  No.  Did anyone even fucking say, "Gee Bobby, we're sorry you're turning into an ice sculpture, and we promise to put you inside on hot days so you don't melt?"  No.

Instead, they send me on a mission.

Oh, it's an important one of course – I mean, they all are, right?  Kurt took off with an X-Jet, after all.  We all had to follow him to find out why.  They obviously needed someone with my special abilities – who knows if we might have to freeze anything?

Give me a break.  No one gives a damn.  

I mean, it's official now.  Before, I could just assume they were all oblivious.  Now, I know they just don't care.

If they did, they would have told me, right?

Sometimes I need to be told.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men. And I'm not sure I'll want what's left of them after Chuck Austen gets through with them. 

A/N: Sorry it's been so long since this story was updated, but I couldn't decide how to approach it. But here it is, the long awaited and quite possibly last chapter: 

From the Journal of Bobby Drake, aka the Iceman

Chapter 5

Y'know, I thought things couldn't get any worse. My body was changing to ice, and no one noticed. I gave them plenty of opportunities, all the warning signs you read about in the magazines; I was moody, behaving out of character, irritable - they wrote it off completely. When they did notice, no one cared beyond complaints that I hadn't reported it to my team leaders, no doubt so that someone could turn it into a log entry for posterity.  I figured I'd hit bottom.

Things went downhill from there.

After Lorna tried to kill me, I started thinking about just ending it all – y'know, change to ice and just shatter myself. I was thinking about it a lot, to be honest. Go ahead and say it, "But Bobby, you've got everything to live for." I dare you. Just look me in the eyes and say it.

You couldn't, right? Not that it matters; I know now that it wouldn't work anyway.

You see, I'm not writing this entry in my journal. I'm thinking it, mostly because I don't have anything else to do, and watching things move up and down in time with Warren's steps is making me dizzy. Which is interesting, now that I think of it – vertigo must be centered in the brain after all, and all the upset stomachs from all those carnival rides must be just a side effect. Hank'd know, and I wish I could ask him, because it's going to bug me now. But one thing's for sure; I know firsthand that suicide, at least in my ice form, is no longer an option. Suicide not involving my ice form is definitely an option, almost an inevitability, but I don't think I could change back if I wanted to. 

Maybe it was a subconscious suicide attempt – I dove right into the battle without thought, sure that I couldn't be seriously injured by some arrows, of all things. I mean, here was my big chance to be Mr. Big, Tough, Invulnerable mutant.  I think I was even yelling something about how they couldn't kill the Iceman…

I was right.  They blew me up instead.

Literally.

Warren's carrying my head around – I keep hoping he'll drop it, but he seems to have a pretty good grip on it. Too good – it kinda hurts, actually, kinda like someone pulling your hair. The rest of me – well, from what Warren said I know the rest of me isn't really an issue, right now.  It just isn't there.  Surprisingly, it doesn't hurt like my head does – I've got a headache you wouldn't believe.  

I keep trying to ask Warren just to drop me; I'm thinking if my head shatters that suicide attempt might succeed after all. But he can't hear me – I guess my voice box didn't make it. Doesn't anyone on this team read lips? Even if Hank WAS here, I wouldn't be able to ask him about the vertigo thing…

You know, I just realized I admitted it – I tried to kill myself. Are you happy now? But try it again – look me in the eye and tell me you can blame me.

You couldn't.

You know, I joked about becoming an ice sculpture. It sounds kind of attractive now; I could've stood around at parties, and if I froze in the right position people might have thought I was some work of art, which is a lot better than most people have ever thought of me anyway. I guess now I'm a bust, at best. I can't see so I'm not sure, but I don't think there's even that much left of me.

Warren, come on, just drop me, will you? Please?


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men. And while I'd like to borrow Bobby indefinitely, I left my Realizer in another fanfic… 

A/N: Prediction time. Seeing as Austen's giving me nothing to work with, I'm taking a guess as to where he's going.

From the Journal of Bobby Drake, aka the Iceman

Chapter 6

Damn it, Warren, when I said drop me, I didn't mean land on top of me! 

Ok, as first thoughts go when regaining consciousness, those probably aren't the most history-making. But hey, I've learned something important - even a head composed entirely out of ice can be knocked out by having a 200 pound winged mutant crush it into a hard surface. 

I open my eyes, and look around as much as I can. Thank God I fell face-up; the alternative doesn't bear considering. There's no one here. Not Warren, not Jubilee, nobody.

They just left me laying here. Alone.

…

I wonder why?

That's something to think about. Depressed as I am, I'm finding it really hard to believe it was intentional. I mean, Warren's been lugging my head around for a while; it's unrealistic to think that he'd just leave me now unless he didn't have a choice. 

So the questions of the hour are, "Where did everyone go? And why?" I'm not sure I like the answers that are coming to mind. Let's face it; as friends go, mine may be incredible dense. They may be unfeeling, or at least it seems that way at times. But if I rule out them leaving me here willingly, unwillingly is about the only thing left. And that means something is very, very wrong.

Maybe…maybe it's time I stopped feeling sorry for myself. My ice form's been shattered before, and I pulled it back together. Admittedly I had a bit more to work with, but theoretically it should work. Maybe it WON'T be enough to get myself back to flesh and blood again, but I've got to do something. And let's face it - my teammates won't be expecting it, much less the demon-guys. No offense, Kurt.

So…let's find some stray water molecules, shall we? And see if we can put the Iceman back together again…


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note:  Ok, it's the long awaited conclusion to "The Journal of Bobby Drake."  I apologize for having abandoned it; I always swore I would never do that, and, as you can see, it haunted me until I could give Bobby some closure.  

**From the Journal of Bobby Drake, aka the Iceman**

**7th Entry**

I did it!

I'm back at the mansion now, writing this, back in my mostly-flesh-and-blood form, which is good enough for me.  At least for the moment.

Don't get me wrong – as secondary mutations go, mine still sucks.  I don't doubt that, eventually, I'll be completely ice, and unable to change back.  And I'm not looking forward to that.

But for once, at least, the Iceman saved the day.

But let me fill you in…

If you recall from my last entry (which come to think of it I never _did_ get to write down, so you probably don't remember it), I had just decided to find a few stray water molecules and rebuild myself from the ground up.  Or the neck down.  Or whatever.  

Unfortunately, my sense of heroism lasted only as long as it took to find out there _were_ no spare water molecules.  Goddamned (hah, I made a pun!) stupid alternate dimension.  

You know, I wonder what they do for water there?  Kurt said he had something to drink…

But that's not important; I'm not planning on booking my next vacation there or anything.  Azazel's evil minions came back for me.  Why they just didn't bring me along in the first place I have no idea, but hey, when they found me I was pretty glad to see them.  The idea of spending a lifetime as a conscious, frozen head in the middle of nowhere was pretty unattractive.

Then they threw me in a cell with Alex et al, and fairly soon the middle of nowhere sounded pretty attractive.

Can you believe it?  The guy was actually holding up my head and making stupid Hamlet jokes.  Which didn't put me in the best of moods, not that I was anyway.  I mean, I was an ice head with a headache, who'd been fallen on by an alleged angel.  As days go, it wasn't one of my best.  So I start mentally compiling a list of things Alex Summers has to answer for, and Annie's kid goes ahead and tells on me.

Now, it wasn't bad enough that Alex was playing with my head.  Well, first, it's bad enough that I was just a head to begin with – gotta mention that to start off, it establishes a baseline.  But, that specified, I would have been much happier in Paige's lap than in Alex's hand, listening to him parody Shakespeare.  But then he starts ranting at me, on the basis of what Carter told him – the kid's a snoop – and offers me any spare liquid he has in his body so I can put myself together and fight it out, Man to ICE-Man.  Asshole.  I mean, seriously.  

Of course, once I gave it some thought beyond "this guy is a major asshole", it wasn't a half bad idea.

I mean, I pretty much filter water when I use it, anyway.  It's easy enough, for me, to make the other stuff that's mixed up with it drop away, so what's left is essentially distilled.  So why NOT get what I needed from Alex, or anyone else who would volunteer?

Note to Self:  Plot revenge on Jubilee for volunteering Paige.  Take the kid down when she's crucified, and where's the appreciation, anyway?  No gratitude.

But I didn't have to use my teammates, as it turned out.  Got the water from the bad guy – or girl, as the case may be – who came in to take us out instead.  She's a bit dry, now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not real proud of draining her, and I don't think I really meant to.  She was attacking Paige and Carter, and I just reacted.  But…it worked.  And there's a lot to be said for that, especially since:  a) I saved Paige and Carter's butts, and b) I got a body out of it.  

But that wasn't the best part.  Damn good, but not the best.

No, the best came a bit later, when I ice slided nearly everyone out of Azazel's dimension.  And right there, with me still in my ice form, Annie kissed me.

No, don't go jumping to conclusions – I'm not.  I _know_ it was just gratitude on her part.  But…she kissed me.  I was frozen, and she kissed me.

I never thought anyone would do that.

And, to top it all off, she did it right in front of Alex.  Talk about a bonus.

So, I'm undergoing a secondary mutation.  That sucks, no matter _how_ you look at it.  My friends are, for the most part, oblivious jerks most of the time.  I may forgive them, eventually.  Well, probably not Alex, but the others are a possibility.  And I spent a couple of days bodiless, being carried around by the aforementioned teammates.  Also not the highlight of my life to date.

But, when all's said and done…sometimes it's still ok to be me.  

________________________________________________________

Secondary Author's Note with a Shameless Plug:  If you like Iceman, check out the Fallen Angels series by Beaubier and me under our joint account of "fallenxangels".  And, as always, your reviews are important!  So please, click on the link on the bottom and let me know what you think!  And, thanks to everyone who kept demanding new chapters to what was _supposed_ to be a one-shot!  


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